Ducking Conductors

In the summer of 1980, Ted Stream and I saw many movies together. We paid for only a fraction of those movies though. We would buy the cheap matinee fare, watch that movie, then, when the credits began to roll, we would traipse to the lavatory or the snack bar to reload and then reconnect in the next theater. We would sneak into one, two or even three movies a day after the initial movie. Once we were comfortable seated in the next theater we only left a couple of times before the movie was over. After sneaking into Pirates of Penzance, we snuck out just as quickly. Xanadu was the same story. It must have been a terrible movie, because as a teenage boy I am certain I would have been very content to sit and watch Olivia Newton John for an afternoon, if only they didn’t have the other actors and a terrible script, I am sure that I would have done just that.

The last movie I snuck into was Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. I was a bit rusty and got my seat too quickly. I was the only one in the theater for five minutes as the usher came through to check it. Fortunately, my confidence in the fact that I should be there convinced the teenage usher that he didn’t need to ask me for a ticket.

The oats I sowed in my youth have mostly died out. In Pullman, former students offer me free movie seats upon occasion, but how would that look. I end up saying “no thanks” and paying. It is just better that way for everyone concerned.

However, last Sunday in Kyoto the possibility of riding the Shinkansen, Japan’s high-speed train, for only the price of a platform ticket proved too much for me to resist. Chrissy wrote about how she took Matt on some of the local trains around the loops, riding out on one line and back on the same. Riding the local trains is an easy feat. At the turn styles in each station is the only place that you pay and there aren’t any conductors on the local trains.

Standing on the platform of Kyoto Station that day we watched the trains roll in and out with romantic destinations like Tokyo, Sapporo, Nagoya, Hiroshima, and Hakata posted on the side. Matt’s appreciation for the high-speed rolling stock proved contagious. He would look at the trains coming in and call it by name. All across the broad platform we could see several generations and different models of the Shinkansen. Matt snapped still photos and occasionally video taped the sleek nose cones as they slid by us.

It didn’t take too long before Chrissy, in Eve like fashion, temptingly suggested that we hop on a train - just to "look" at the inside. I could tell that she was looking at me waiting for me to be the final say as to whether or not we would actually take a chance to speed our way off of the platform we had paid for. The problem was neither of us could remember if a conductor swept through the cabin to check tickets along the way. It would be a risk.

Another train arrived and slowly rolled by to a stop. Matt called it out - ‘Hikari’. I saw the sign on the side said Shin-Osaka, the destination of this train. I also saw the sign for the unreserved car. I said, “Let’s go! Let’s do it.” In the next second we all stepped on the train.

The interior is like a fuselage of a commercial plane, only roomier. We found some seats, giving Matt the window seat to watch the scenery roll by, then sat back and enjoyed the ride. The cabin had very few people in it and the trip to Shin-Osaka took less than fifteen minutes. While sitting on the train I began to have second thoughts about the wisdom of riding the rails for free. I began to worry about the conductors on the platform in Osaka. Would they notice us exiting a west bound train and boarding one going east?

At Shin-Osaka we looked only quickly at the platform. I saw only one platform conductor. As he walked up and down the platform he would stop at each trash or recycling bin and point to it with two fingers, as if he was calling them by name. This was going to be easy. We looked around for another train model to sample and found a Nozomi 700 series at the beginning of its run to Tokyo. The first stop was back in Kyoto station. In fifteen minutes, our great adventure would be over.

This time, Matt sat at the window seat across the aisle from us. On the way to Osaka he looked out the east window, on the return trip he had the window facing west. The car filled up quickly. There were spare seats, but not many. We began to roll. Half way to Kyoto, I saw a conductor come through the door into our car. He bowed. (When at work, all Japanese bow when they enter or exit a room, even rail cars). My heart started to thump a little more quickly. He was checking tickets! Chrissy saw the conductor at the same time. She confirmed his actions.

I figured we still had between five and ten minutes before we got to Kyoto. We sat midway through the car so it occurred to me that he might not even make it to our row. As soon as I thought that, he had made it to the next row. He was going to make it to our row! Quickly, I told Chrissy to hand me her ticket and that when he got to us, tell him that I had all of the tickets and that I was in the bathroom. Delay was the only tactic I could think of to avoid getting caught.

Matt looking out the window, noticed nothing of the conductor. As I stood up to leave and find a restroom in the rear of the car, Chrissy explained to Matt the situation. If the conductor asked him for a ticket he was to point to Chrissy. When the conductor asked her for a ticket, she was to point to me in the bathroom.

Five to ten minutes, that was all I had to delay; get to the bathroom and disappear. These were all of the same tactics that Ted and I had used nearly three decades ago. I made to the back of our car where the bathrooms were. One appeared occupied, the other was only a urinal. But in true Japanese fashion it was a very public urinal with a window on the door about 12" wide and 18" tall.

In all the bathrooms across Japan, the urinals all seem to be out in the open. Even in the schools, there is no door to the bathroom and the urinals are lined up along the wall just inside the entrance. In one bathroom I used, the urinals formed a hallway to the women’s restroom, essentially the women had to walk through the men’s room to the ladies’ room. Even in the first bathroom I used in Japan, I noticed the cleaning women sweeping the floor behind me while men used all of the urinals around me. Since that first time I have accepted it as a fact that urinals are open for public viewing. With the door to the urinal on the Shinkansen having a window in it, hiding from the conductor wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.

The train bumped along. I had to hang onto the bar with one hand while I gave the appearance of doing what I had to do with the other. Five to ten minutes is a long time to stand on a bumpy train with your fly undone and trying to pee when you don’t really have to, with a window at your back. But, eventually the train slowed. I heard a woman’s voice come over the intercom and announce the arrival at Kyoto station. I zipped up, washed my hands, and hoped that the conductor wasn’t peering into the restroom as I turned around.

The hall was empty. Chrissy stood at the nearest exit with Matt. Without making too much eye contact, she told me that the conductor asked for the tickets and had walked to the back past the restroom. She didn’t know where he was, but thought he had gone into the next car. Either way she didn’t want to be identified with me. She shooed me off to another exit to leave the train.

The three of us reconnected on the platform. I didn’t feel like we should stay to look at any more high-speed trains. With my adrenaline up from our near miss, I wanted to move on as fast as possible. We decided to leave the Shinkansen area, but to stay in the same station to take the JR line home as the Hankyu train line was across town. I had never ridden the JR between Kyoto and Osaka. It is nearly double the price as the Hankyu train that we normally ride, but it would save us a 30 minute walk or another 230 yen in subway tickets, so it was worth it.

We bought our tickets and headed for the next train to leave the station. Matt had noticed a "Thunderbird", which was a train he had been wanting to ride, was about to take off so we quickly followed him to the platform. We jumped on and found some seats. Matt took off to explore the train and we settled down to relax for the 45 min train ride back to Osaka.

Our adventure was over, or so we thought, until the conductor on this train came to our seats and asked us for tickets. With absolutely no concern we showed him our normal fare tickets and he informed us that we would have to purchase another 630 yen ticket each to cover the fare of the Thunderbird. That's when we realized that the Thunderbird was a Special Rapid that requires a surcharge above and beyond the base price. We had ridden this type of train back in the Fall and, had we taken the time to look, we would have known. Sheepishly, we paid. In our glee to have ridden the Shinkansen rails for free and escape, we had neglected to notice that this train was an advanced fare train which required a higher fee.

When Matt returned to our seats we told him to keep moving and not to be associated with us. But before we could explain, the conductor appeared behind him and charged him the additional fare as well.

We were fortunate to have ridden the Shinkansen that day. It proved the only opportunity for Matt to experience the ride. Chrissy had planned to take him home from Himeji aboard the Shinkansen, but the day they traveled to the Himeji Castle, the Shinkansen line to Osaka was closed. The ticket agent explained that a ‘human’ was on the tracks and that no trains were running on that section of line that day. Karma had caught us when the conductors couldn’t. We thought we had paid for the stolen ride to Osaka by stealing a ride back to Kyoto, but evidentaly the Kami, Japanese ancestoral spirits, weren’t satisfied. The Kami charged us more for our ride home and denied any further travel on the Shinkansen even when we wanted to pay.

Now, I only hope that the Kami don’t find me to make me pay for the movies that I viewed for free. I might end up with only the movies Xanadu or The Pirates of Penzance to watch on our flight home.